Breathing not Alive
by AllThePreciousPiecesAreGone
Summary: Sometimes the edge serves as more than a friend than you thought it would be, and the pages you write in your journal each night are your only release. And the mask you put on it's like words in a song but there's more to be seen. Every thought is a battle. Every breath is a war, and I don't think I'm winning anymore. #ProjectBeautiful


**_Kims P.o.v._**

We never thought we'd be this far gone. Me, I'm sitting here with a blade against my wrist wondering what I did to everyone. Me, Im sitting here telling myself that life will get better, even if I don't believe it. I have nothing left. Me, Im sitting here wondering what I did to the world. Me, Im sitting here wondering why everyone abuses me. Im not perfect I get that. Im not everything people want, and I can't do everything people want. Thats when I move the blade across my wrist. Again, and again till I can breathe again. Im not trying to hurt myself, Im just trying to breath. Im trying to get away from it all, hopping it want consume me, but it already has. I know I should have expected this. After all I'm the so called reason. Im the reason we moved. Im the reason my dads an alcoholic. News gets around. People make up rumors, and people become a part of society. Maybe I was hoping this time was going to be different. I was hoping that I wouldn't fall. I was hopping that I wouldn't be where I am now. Cutting my wrist, writing a note, and getting ready to say good-bye to it all. People say suicide is selfish. Isn't it selfish to make someone feel so bad that the want to take their own life. I wonder how many people are going to "Pretend" to care. I wonder if I'm I actually going to go through with this. I don't want to die, but I can't live like this anymore. It consumes you without a second thought. People ask me what depressions like. Depressions like drowning, except you're watching everyone around you breathe. Thats what kills you. You can't do what they can. You sit there and notice everything. You notice how many people sit there, and complain about their perfect life, when you're on the edge of living. You also notice, all the little things worth living for, but sometimes you're so far gone, that it doesn't matter. Thats when you realize how much you've put up with. Thats when you start to think that maybe, if I could trade lives with anyone else in the world I wouldn't. I wouldn't want them to suffer. They probably have a terrible life. They've got something that made them do this to other people. Thats enough to make me think ill be okay at least for today. I eventually get up and find a couple band-aids. I go and find a long sleeve shirt, put it on, and go to tell my mom good-night. I look around the house everywhere for her, but I don't find her. Its then that I find a note. All it says is I'll be back in two weeks; I had to leave on a business trip, I love you. My own mother didn't come tell me good-bye. She knew I was home. I then run back to the bathroom. I sit back down in the same position as earlier. I look at my other wrist; the one I didn't cut. Its then that I grab a blade, and run it across that wrist. I again sit here and wonder, how did this happen. How did I turn into this. I use to be so innocent, so care free. I use to be so much more than I am now. I guess its true people change. I used to wonder if people died from suicide. They don't. People die from sadness. We all get addicted to something that takes away the pain. I got addicted to cutting. I never meant to hurt myself. I just wanted to breath. I wanted to forget about everything. Depression is like a war. You either when, or die trying. I think thats true. I don't know where I'm going, but I know where I'm at. Sometimes the edge serves as more than a friend than you thought it would be, and the pages you write in your journal each night are your only release. And the mask you put on it's like words in a song but there's more to be seen, and the failures you see don't seem failures to me here at Alone as you walk through a crowd and it's awkward like nobody sees, and you can't help but wonder would anyone come after you if you leave. So a pain grows inside and that fear comes alive like you'll never be free, but there's no pain you feel that I know love can't heal here at all. Sometimes that isn't enough.

Cant anyone see how fast I'm falling? I can't pretend anymore. I can't fake it anymore. Im hopeless, helpless, and Im afraid that Ill never get better. I went out today. It was a mistake. I walked out the door, and I fell, so much faster. I thought if I went out I wouldn't be depressed. I didn't think that if I saw all these happy people, I would feel so much worse. They're all beautiful. I have scars running up my arms. I have tears in my eyes. I have a heart without a soul. Everyone thinks I'm perfectly fine. They never saw the scars running down both my arms. They never saw the tears fall from my eyes. They never saw who I am. If I killed myself tonight, the stars would still disappear, the sun would still come up, the earth would still rotate, the seasons would still change, and time would heal the pain. So if I left tonight would you come with me, or would you watch me leave? People think I've gone bitter, when in reality I'm just giving up. The hardest part of waking up in the morning is remembering everything you wanted to forget last night. People honestly don't understand. I woke up, and went to school this morning. Theres a new kid. He tried to talk to me, and sit with me at lunch. I told him he couldn't. I don't want him to get hurt because of me. I don't want him to go through the same thing I did. I don't want him to feel like I do. There was a part of me that wanted to let him. I would never forgive myself if I let him get treated like I did. He still talked to me. He saw the scars. He asked me what happened. I ran. He doesn't know what its like to relive the memory. People don't know how hard it is to tell someone why you cut. Its like bringing the pain back, then you cut again to try to get your self to forget why. Its an endless circle. It never really ends. You never completely escape it even when you think you have. You're never completely better. If I die tonight I'll be ready to go. People who kill themselves don't want to end their life. They want to end their pain. I was getting better, but then I remembered what I was trying to get away from, I remembered what tore me apart, and now, Im back where I started. Breathing. Im **_breathing, I'm not alive. _**People think they know what its like to be broken, fixed, then broken again. They don't understand that sometimes cutting takes away the pain, and I know its wrong, and I know I shouldn't want to leave, but I do. I know I shouldn't leave, but theres nothing left for me here. People shouldn't have to understand, and if they do, I'm sorry that there going through the same thing I am. I eventually leave the bathroom, and go out side. Its dark now. I sit there starring at the stars. I wonder if it's true. They say if you make it to heaven, then a star will be added to the sky. For everyone who made it to heaven, theres a star in the sky for them. Its then that I just stop. I fall to the ground crying. Its then that I do go to the bathroom. I can't take it. Its then that I just stop. Its then that I make one last cut, and I fall to the ground. Its then that I'm truly not depressed. Its then that I make it out of this world. Its then that I make it out of this place we call home. Darkness is only driven out with light, darkness is not driven out with more darkness. She hid who she was behind a mask, and hid her regrets in the shadows.

**Guys, bullying is WRONG! This is what it does to people. It hurts more than you could ever imagine. People take their own ****lives because of it. I worked kind of hard on this, so please tell me if its any good. _All The Precious Pieces Are Gone_**

**R**

**E**

**V**

**I**

**E**

**W**


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